I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until it’s the end,
Life is so beautiful.
This weekend, I spent it with some pretty freaking amazing people, but what was even more amazing (no offence) was for me to FINALLY be in NATURE, away from Los Angeles, away from the traffic, the smog, the anxiety, & away from all the materialstic problems that infest my mind. It was a beautiful getaway for me. It was an escape that was very much needed and long overdue. There was so much craziness & frustration put into the entire trip, but it turned out to be something so vital & entirely different than what I had in mind…
Although you’re probably expecting me to give details about this trip & to talk about how beautiful the flowing river was, how I almost fell off the rocks to a very shattering death, how we went to some well-maintained hot springs which also had a rope swing into the river, how there were an abundant amount of cows roaming freely, how beautiful the second day was, & how BREATH-TAKING the view on the way there & back was, this post is actually not intended to explain any of those things at all. Instead, I’m typing this up to explain a feeling from this weekend. A feeling that kept me up one night, but put me sound to sleep the next. It was this ongoing feeling of mine that I’ve felt since I was 13 years young, & I know the cycle will never end: the feeling of being a Soul, constantly lost & constantly found.
Turning 20 is bigger than we think. Every year we grow, we change, we abide to different rules we make up in our mind, & by the next year, those rules have either changed or been broken. My ‘rules’ this year aren’t much different from the rules in the past, but I did plenty of soul-searching this weekend (mostly while I wasn’t intoxicated) & I’ve come to many conclusions about myself.
One of those conclusions is that no matter how many times I lose myself, I always find myself (this isn’t new to anyone who has known me for a long time). & I never do it through some outer force, through a God, through a book, through anything other than my own strength. I don’t know how I do it, considering I’m such an emotional reck at times, but it always works & I always end up happier than before.
The most important conclusion I came to, however, is that I am extremely comfortable in my own skin and I’m more than pleased with this person I’ve become. This is such a difficult feeling to come across as a Human being because we are our own worst critics, & I do plently of self-criticizing. Above that, I’ve been told how to be/how not to be, how to act/how not to act, how to dress & do my make-up/how NOT to do those things, for seven long years, & I’ve caved in many times in order to please an audience rather than pleasing the producer. But this weekend, I realized how much I love my soul, & I love mySELF in a REAL, HONEST, self-fulfilling, self-satisfactory type of way. I’m the only person who will EVER be there for me 110% because only I can read my own mind, & I can survive on my own & be my own person without the help of others, regardless of how much people doubt me & my independence.
I “need” absolutely no one, & though solitude has been a pain of mine in the past, and this weekend was necessary for me to remove all materialistic and superficial aspects of that fear & to focus solely on the core idea of where this fear derived from. By trailing off on my own to explore, meditate, & self-analyze, I almost overcame this fear entirely. A form of self-realization, one may call it.
I am one, & I am free.