I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until it’s the end,

Life is so beautiful.

This weekend, I spent it with some pretty freaking amazing people, but what was even more amazing (no offence) was for me to FINALLY be in NATURE, away from Los Angeles, away from the traffic, the smog, the anxiety, & away from all the materialstic problems that infest my mind. It was a beautiful getaway for me. It was an escape that was very much needed and long overdue. There was so much craziness & frustration put into the entire trip, but it turned out to be something so vital & entirely different than what I had in mind…

Although you’re probably expecting me to give details about this trip & to talk about how beautiful the flowing river was, how I almost fell off the rocks to a very shattering death, how we went to some well-maintained hot springs which also had a rope swing into the river, how there were an abundant amount of cows roaming freely, how beautiful the second day was, & how BREATH-TAKING the view on the way there & back was, this post is actually not intended to explain any of those things at all. Instead, I’m typing this up to explain a feeling from this weekend. A feeling that kept me up one night, but put me sound to sleep the next. It was this ongoing feeling of mine that I’ve felt since I was 13 years young, & I know the cycle will never end: the feeling of being a Soul, constantly lost & constantly found.

Turning 20 is bigger than we think. Every year we grow, we change, we abide to different rules we make up in our mind, & by the next year, those rules have either changed or been broken. My ‘rules’ this year aren’t much different from the rules in the past, but I did plenty of soul-searching this weekend (mostly while I wasn’t intoxicated) & I’ve come to many conclusions about myself.

One of those conclusions is that no matter how many times I lose myself, I always find myself (this isn’t new to anyone who has known me for a long time). & I never do it through some outer force, through a God, through a book, through anything other than my own strength. I don’t know how I do it, considering I’m such an emotional reck at times, but it always works & I always end up happier than before.

The most important conclusion I came to, however, is that I am extremely comfortable in my own skin and I’m more than pleased with this person I’ve become. This is such a difficult feeling to come across as a Human being because we are our own worst critics, & I do plently of self-criticizing. Above that, I’ve been told how to be/how not to be, how to act/how not to act, how to dress & do my make-up/how NOT to do those things, for seven long years, & I’ve caved in many times in order to please an audience rather than pleasing the producer. But this weekend, I realized how much I love my soul, & I love mySELF in a REAL, HONEST, self-fulfilling, self-satisfactory type of way. I’m the only person who will EVER be there for me 110% because only I can read my own mind, & I can survive on my own & be my own person without the help of others, regardless of how much people doubt me & my independence.

I “need” absolutely no one, & though solitude has been a pain of mine in the past, and this weekend was necessary for me to remove all materialistic and superficial aspects of that fear & to focus solely on the core idea of where this fear derived from. By trailing off on my own to explore, meditate, & self-analyze, I almost overcame this fear entirely. A form of self-realization, one may call it.

I am one, & I am free.

to be happy again.

It exists. It’s real and it reveals itself to you once YOU open your eyes up to it and expose YOURSELF to the world. If you hide behind a veil, it will never know how to find you. It won’t be able to sync-in with your soul unless you truly come to terms with yourself. Accept yourself, and accept your life. It’s difficult to do so, I obviously had trouble doing so at different stages in my life and I won’t be surprised if I struggle to open up in the future, but it isn’t IMPOSSIBLE. Some of us have become so jaded throughout the course of our lives that we’ve closed ourselves up to everyone around us, isolating ourselves in desperation, seeking protection. But it gets to the point where you isolate yourself so much, you practically lose yourself and forget your very own essence. We take so much time out of our day thinking of ways to communicate with others without letting them truly know who we are, which only digs us into the hole of self-destruction. We forget who we are.

This past year has been a very challenging one for me. As usual, I’ve gone through my moon-like phases, from waxing, to waning, feeling complete//whole, to sometimes not even being//feeling “there” at all. I’ve learned a lot in the past few months, but more importantly, I’ve EVOLVED. I’ve transformed so much from the person I was this last year, and that is no shock to me considering I am entering my transitional phase as my birth-month approaches. I am feeling myself entering once more into a new beginning, going in strong, beginning to feel more like MYSELF than I have felt all year long…

I’ve always been one with great intuition, & because I am a lover (& a borderline Pisces), I always synchronize very well with my partner or even just my friends. But I haven’t found synchronicity with my very own self and with the WORLD in a while. Somewhere along my path, I strayed. I forgot many important aspects that have made up who I am (purposely, it seems) and was only aware of the person other wanted me to be or who they THOUGHT that I was. It was almost as if I was living up to people’s expectations of me to avoid rejection, yet I couldn’t give two fucks about some of those people themselves. I didn’t want to expose my true self to anybody, considering how vulnerable I had become. I became something different for the sake of not having to be myself for a while, regardless of how much I may have loved myself at the time (which, to be fair, wasn’t very much).

It wasn’t until recently that I had consecutive epiphanies, one after another. They were coming to me so quickly, which only meant one thing: I had officially entered my transition phase. People say they cannot feel themselves age and they never feel any older on their birthdays, but I am the opposite. I begin to feel the changes weeks before, and I prepare myself. I brace myself for change. As soon as these epiphanies came crashing in, I felt slowly (very slowly) became comfortable with putting down my walls, revealing the Me that has been hiding, in fear of getting hurt by different members of society. But a year was a long enough time to put aside my fears//pains, put down my walls, and really OPEN UP like I’ve always been known to do. I could OPEN UP AND SPEAK MY TRUE THOUGHTS rather than hiding beneath shadows in fear of being (fully) exposed in the moonlight, or rejected by the new souls (evil & good) that were entering my life.

And that’s when it began to happen. Synchronicity. For the past week or so, after coming closer to acceptance of myself again, I’ve been experiencing very distinct “coincidences” (as the common person may call them) that are showing me very positive signs for my future. I do believe in the balance of life, and I must’ve done SOMETHING right this past year because I can feel the world blessing me already with it’s delicious goodness. I can feel the positivity coming from complete strangers, from the wind, the night sky, my dreams, good books, everything! And it makes me excited. I’m excited about life again, and it feels so good to be back and more ready than EVER to take on a fresh, RADIANT, and thrilling new year.

Can’t wait to see what the world has to offer, & what I will be blessed with to offer the World. Xo

//down here, down under//

~~where am I going?~~

for tonight, only.

Pisces & Aries is a deadly combination. Emotions run so wild, it’s hard to catch onto ONE before another comes right around and attacks you, leaving you out of breath, totally disoriented.

I hate manipulative people, but the worst kind of person is the manipulative person who is fully aware of the mind games they play but pretend to be innocent. You’ll always be but only a piece on their chessboard, & they control you in whichever way they want, whenever they want, simply to win the game and use you as their tool to success…

How ridiculously unfair is that? I hate you, Pisces. & your stupid mind games. JUST KEEP IT FUCKING REAL & STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY.

to absolutely everything. You can’t sit around wondering things and never craving real answers. I don’t understand how people just WONDER about someone/something and never sac-up to ASK! What are you afraid of? Communication is a wonderful thing; don’t be afraid of it’s power. You can go many places in life if you just ASK QUESTIONS & spark up conversation. Don’t be so shy, you’ll come off as uninterested and/or stupid. Don’t let your pride interfere with your search for knowledge/answers. It’s ok to ask questions. Don’t let things eat you up and ruin your relationship, then one day (years later) you finally ask “WHY DID YOU DO/SAY THAT TO ME?” & they’ll answer (baffled, of course) “Do what? You completely misinterpreted my actions &/or what I meant.” Miscommunication. And that’s how most things end miserably, & you’ll end up feeling like an asshole who could’ve had something amazing but you fucked up by shutting your mouth and NOT ASKING QUESTIONS.

Well it’s not that I don’t like you. It’s moreso that the IDEA of you is more appealing…but at the same time, being with you feels “right”. It feels nice, and fun, and I’m happy for the most part. But then I begin to think of why/how it could never really work, and we’ll always just be two different people hanging out, making out, & letting go. There’s no obligatory connection that holds us together, we just casually run into each other & do it all over again.

It’s always so poorly constructed and absurd that it’s almost always perfect.

EVERYTHING happens for some purpose/reason. Some call it destiny, I just see it as the Souls of the World communicating (Coehlo-esque perspectve).

Maybe I was judging the youngins a little too hard? This may be the time to swallow those generalizations I made.

Or, maybe I wasn’t judging hard enough? Either way, I’m going to learn some sort of lesson tomorrow. I’m a little scared, but hopefully it all turns out “well”.

Fingers crossed! +

I’ll introduce you to the smoothest music — it’ll sink deep into you. We’ll become one with the rhythm & we’ll become Whole with each other. I’ll wear the brightest colors for you; I’ll brighten up your day. I’ll make you laugh at the stupid things you would not notice if I wasn’t around. I’ll teach you how to roll your tongue & speak my language. I’ll be sexy when it’s just us two, & I won’t laugh at you when you don’t understand me because I know all I’ll have to do is open up and COMMUNICATE with you. I never lie, and I definitely won’t with you because lies are signs of fear & weakness, & I’ll teach you how to counter-act those emotions so long as you promise to keep it a hundred, to be truthful, sincere. It’s all a process. It goes together. It works as one. I’ll go Dutch with you. Fuck it, I’ll pay the bill b/c I’m not about your money or THE Money, I’ve got my own & I’m free from those interdependent chains. I want to depend on you for other things; stability, adventure, happiness. I can’t cook but I can learn. I can’t snowboard down the black diamond lane but I’m willing to try if you’re willing to show me. I’ve got so much love in me, so many thoughts oozing out. I need a place to put it all because I’m just making a mess of myself, leaving a trail of dripping brains and love wherever I go…

I’m already satisfied with ‘ME’.

I want to be satisfied with YOU~